it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
