Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
