I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
