After last night, I could never be a politician.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize