it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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