it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
