Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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