I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
