I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize