Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
