She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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