Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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