The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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