My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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