she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
