The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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