he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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