he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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