dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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