Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
sex in a hospital.. check
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
