If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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