In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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