Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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