Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
