well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
