when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
