Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
