Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
