and you said cock pushups were impossible
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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