dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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