i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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