I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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