i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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