My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
