remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
