His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Girls should come with a carfax report
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
