You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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