am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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