I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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