you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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