My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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