just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
