yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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