You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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