I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
