Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
