Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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