No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
