I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
