I showed him my bush... on skype.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
