Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
