1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I have aggressive nipples.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
