I hope mine doesn't look like that
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
