Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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