So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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