Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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