All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
