im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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