I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
