Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
