All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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